Fight fright with flight.

I'm trying hard to be philosophical about this whole endings and new beginnings thing, you know, doors closing, windows opening... all that. But today was another bad day where it all just seemed too much to handle and I'm caught in this useless limbo between heartracing panic and pillar-of-salt freeze.
So, let's forget about sordid reality for a bit and instead watch this video that I find strangely soothing:



As usual, my not so subconscious subconscious reacts by cooking up a corny little melody and some rhymes. I won't go so far as to say that it has self-healing powers, but at least it's distracting:

Like the swallow in the sky
waiting for summer
Like the seagull way up high
wants the wind to be stronger
Like the blackbird needs the dawn
to come before it sings
Like those starlings on the lawn
you've got to spread your wings.

Mayday, mayday!

And so it begins. The end of something. I'm not quite sure what to say. I've had a week to let it sink in, but somehow the shock doesn't seem to get old. This is some naive behaviour from someone with a temporary contract. I really, really thought that things would continue as before. That just as in the previous years the principal, the education office, someone would magic up a new contract for me. Because - all hassle of over-the-summer-payment from a couple of years ago put aside - that's how it always worked. How soon you forget! The times they are a-changing: there's a new principal, a new education office, new policies and no someone (i.e. someone pregnant) to rescue me this time round. And here we are, with - what? - seven more weeks of business as usual before that ugly, slimy monster unemployment will raise its seven heads. Seven weeks, and already everything feels different. The details will have to keep for another time. For now, just some random thoughts: I feel sad, confused, disappointed, angry, frustrated, tired, overwhelmed by the tasks ahead, unable to cope. I don't want to leave my students so suddenly (well, not all of them anyway). I don't want to have to organize applications in the middle of my exams, write CVs, scan adverts for substitute teachers in impossible remote towns, advertise myself in letters, wait, get my hopes up, get rejected, start over again. I don't want to face the financial implications of having to apply for the dole in case nothing comes up. I don't want to start those movies in my head of a range of worst-case-scenarios of having to give up my flat, move back home, of constantly not knowing what is going to happen next month ('cause that's how substitute jobs work). But most of all I don't want to leave my school right now. I was meant to have another year before having to say goodbye. And I don't want to leave in this haphazard, half-hearted, lukewarm way. Without a proper goodbye, because they will tell me that maybe, maybe someone might get ill and that they'd love to take me back in that case because they desperately need me for English. There will be a final-day-of-work, three weeks before the end of term (don't ask), and then possibly (be a good girl, fingers crossed) they'll be able to keep me on for three more weeks until the holidays. Or possibly not. But I will get no proper chance to say goodbye, and no Thank you. I will simply disappear, not be there the next morning. I know this will sound silly to you, but it seems somehow very important right now. Contrary to what you might have deducted from my years' worth of rants and anecdotes and contrary to what I will say tomorrow round lunchtime after a handful of lessons and two dozens mini-fights: I really, really like my job. And most of my students. And most of my colleagues. It's the end of the world as we know it.

Die Sache mit dem Spiegel.

Das Konzert war eindeutig das Highlight meiner letzten Woche. - Nun gut, möchte man einwerfen, gegen eine Stress-lass-nach-oder-kommst-du-etwa-erst-noch?-Erkältung anzutreten, ist vielleicht auch nicht wirklich schwer. Gisbert war trotzdem super. Und das Lied ist sowieso ganz weit oben.

...Und weil ich aber gerade gelernt habe, was das denn so genau mit den Urheberrechtsbestimmungen aus sich hat, ist das Video dann mal besser nicht hier... ;-)

Swapping.

Heard you say
"Time to stop feeling sorry for yourself!
Just get a grip and think how great a life you've got.
I wish it was mine."
Well, maybe now it's time to make you
eat those words.
Maybe it's time to start swapping.

Wanna swap places with me?
I can't recommend it -
What the heck - come inside and see!
Need to drop
those habits that were years in the making,
so stop,
stop judging me
unless you'll swap.

So come on inside and have a good look around.
Do you like what you see?
Ain't it funny how things can seem so comfy and nice
but are really just a nightmare looking out from inside...
How come you don't feel like swapping?

Wanna swap places with me?
I can't recommend it -
What the heck - come inside and see!
Need to drop
those habits that were years in the making,
so stop,
stop judging me
unless you'll swap.

Go on then, kick your shoes off and make yourself at home
If you can
Get used to the view - you'll get to see a lot of that!
Oh, and never mind that monster in the cupboard.
It just wants to play.
Now please, you said you'd be swapping!

Won't you swap places with me?
I can't recommend it -
What the heck - come inside and see!
Need to drop
those habits that were years in the making,
so stop,
stop judging me
unless you'll swap
places with me
I can't recommend it -
What the heck - come inside and see!
Need to drop
those habits that were years in the making.
Then stop,
stop judging me
if you won't swap.

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

While the last song was stolen, this one's by me. Trying to channel that horrendous New-Year-low into something positive.

Joy be to you all.

Moonstruck.

I know, I know, it's been forever since I got round to posting anything here. And I won't even pretend to be able to catch up with the last three months in one fell swoop (whatever that is). It's not that I didn't have anything to write about - the stories and anecdotes were all right there in my head, and I kept thinking "ooh, you should write about that" and "you should share that picture". But you know how it is. Or maybe you don't, but since I'm basically talking to myself here, I do actually know how it is, of course.

Time's running through your hands
like water. Or sand.

Nevermind that now.
If you want to see some truly magical photos, look for the moon games by the French photographer Laurent Laveder.
...Inspiring a quodlibet of moonrelated songs in my head:
Fly me to the moon...
Ich seh den Mond und denk an dich...
Or maybe something slightly less romantic.

Autosuggestion.

Wer den Ton gefunden,
der im Grund gebunden
hält den Weltgesang,
hört im lauten Ganzen
keine Dissonanzen,
lauter Übergang.

Friedrich Rückert, 1838

Saying hello, waving goodbye.

Touched.

I don't know what it is, but lately I've been so....what's the word... happy!
I know, I know, it's not like me at all, very worrying indeed. But there you go.
Maybe it's because of so many good things happening lately. Very probably so.

Like the field trip we took to follow J.S. Bach's traces through Eastern Germany. To be honest, it was a fair bit of work to organize it all and, yes, as soon as you are the one knowing the schedule you get pushed into the role of mum/teacher/chief nagger/cruise director, but we had so much fun, too! And we were so, so lucky in every single thing and person we met during those four days. And our prof was so happy, it was really touching to see him so touched in turn!

Or like the visit to the zoo with my sisters and nephews, to " go see the big butt!" ...The hippo's big butt, that was and it was totally worth a visit, no question! But also the sight of two little, wild nephew-tigers roaring dangerously. Or the sound of running feet catching up and the feeling of a little sticky hand taking hold of yours...


Then I had to cover a lesson with the Sixth Years yesterday - which was doomed to be a complete waste of time since all their exams are over and they'll be leaving school forever in two weeks' time anyway. Only half of them had showed up for a start, so I didn't even bother trying to teach but bought some cake and sat down and had a chat with them. We talked about their job perspectives and plans and then about their leaving ceremony. For which, since the music teacher is still ill, we are facing a bit of a live music problem. I mentioned that to them and out of the blue one of the boys said: "Well, I could play a Chopin Nocturne if you want!" My jaw dropped and we went over to the music room, where he played a couple of pieces for us. I'll never forget that picture: This lanky boy in his baseball cap, always sooo cool, rather the thug-type, who lives in a home, who is learning how to box and very busy coming across as hard the rest of the time...sitting there at the piano and playing Chopin!

And the day wasn't over yet! After classes I met up with this Fourth Year girl who had asked me very politely a few days before if it might be at all possible for her to perform Cohen's "Hallelujah" at the leaving ceremony, that the music teacher had said she might....and if I could possibly accompany her... She's a very friendly girl, extraordinarily talented, a great dancer, beautiful voice but with parents so strict and old-fashioned in their views that she, as a girl, counts for nothing much and isn't allowed to take lessons... So how could I have said no to her?!
The rehearsal went quite well and it was just so touching to see how happy she was while singing. Afterwards we walked downstairs together and she was virtually jumping up and down beside me, this girl-woman in her make-up, all excited, repeating over and over "Oh, thank, you Ms B., thank you for doing this!"

That's the kind of motivational push you obviously only get once in a blue moon, or in my case, once every five years. Better treasure it!

Perfect fourth/Perfect force.

Apart from this exhilirating concert I was privileged to hear [Which, apparently, you are not - since the video for some reason won't come up. So you'll have to take my word for it: it was hilarious! Both my nephews at our old, totally out-of-tune piano, the younger one messing about while the older one, totally absorbed, plays perfect fourths over and over again, in different places on the piano keys, mindful to correct himself when accidentally hitting a third of fifth...]
I forgot to mention that I have been asked to fill in for my colleague, the music teacher, who has been incapacitated by fickle Fate for a good while. Which means that besides worrying about her health I now also get to worry about all the stuff I get asked to do. You know, small, insignificant, easy-peasy tasks like overseeing/rehearsing/putting together the school musical. Or like taking over as conductor of her church choir. Stuff like that. I am simply thrilled at the prospect. (Mostly, I am thrilled that I have classes at university on School Mass days, or they would have delegated all musical organization/presentation of those to me as well.)

I am not overwhelmed at all.

A manuscript!

Just so you know, one day these'll be worth millions! (I think.)

May (or may not).

MAY

(humming)

Don’t know whether to feel big or small.
Don’t know whether to rise or fall.
All this green is far too green,
All those hopes too high -
And if I can’t reach, that’s because
I’m just not that tall!
So...

May rain, make me grow
Up up up!
May rain, don’t show me
Up up up!

Please, let me have this! I used to pray.
Please, I’ll be good now! I’d always say.
Won’t ask for more than this,
Just this, this once, for me -
But questions ask for answers
that may or may not be
What you want...

May rain makes you grow (daddy said)
Up up up.
May rain, don’t show me
Up up up!

(May rain, don’t you let me
down down down.)

Mairegen macht, dass man größer wird...

Wieder ein Jahr um, und wie jedes Jahr macht mich der Mai fürchterlich sentimental. Dieses viele, plötzlich explodierte Grün überall, das einem das Prinzip Leben und Neubeginn wie ein nasses Handtuch um die Ohren klatscht. Da wird mir immer ganz grün um die Nase und vor Augen... Und dann diese Dauerohrwürmer, vom Mai, dem lustigen und vom Grün natürlich und vom Regen (Und ja, die sind bei mir im Kopf mindestens so traumatisch wie ebenjene Links!). Und Borcherts Kuckuck darf im Kopf natürlich auch nicht fehlen. Womit zu dem Thema Mai und Sehnsucht und Hoffnungsglück und Realität wohl genug dezent angedeutet sein dürfte.

...Und das Unterbewusstsein stolperte über einen weiteren Birkenzweig und murmelte "Back to the roots!"

"Marie auf der Wiese, auf der Wiese Marie,
alle Blumen, alle Gräser sind größer als sie.
Mir wird schon ganz bange, da ich nirgends sie seh.
Ich hab sie verloren, verloren im Klee."

(Johannes Trojan)

Pending further notice.

It's just one of those times when life seems unduly cruel and harsh. The pieces of bad news just don't seem to be running out. People suddenly missing in action with horrifying diagnoses. Then today I found out that one of my favourite students, well, one of the first hour anyway, a bright kid with a ton of sad stories on his shoulder, hasn't been ill these last ten days after all, but is in fact skiving off school and refusing to leave the house ever since he had been sent into a children's home before the Easter holidays. All news to me. I mean, I had known and guessed some of the crap that has been going on in his life (father absent, mother psychiatric in-patient...). But he had always been an excellent student with a lot going for him, well, comparatively speaking. And now he just seems to have disappeared from the face of the earth. Yeah, I know, there are people in charge, and I'm sure they're looking out for him.
At least I sincerely pray so.
And here I was thinking I was lonely and entitled to be just a tad dissatisfied with my lot...

A bunch of fireworks.

I'm painfully aware that amidst all the chaos and cajoling, the skirmishes, the reprimanding and the infinite shushing that is in a school day, I hardly ever get round to telling the kids, each kid, what they most need to hear:



"Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'cause there's a spark in you.
You just gotta ignite the light
and let it shine..."

I wish I could make them believe that with the power and confidence of that girl singing the solo! And I wish the world around them would not teach them otherwise...

P.S. Reloaded.

Well, since it's hardly ever that I manage to record something that I'm reasonably happy with (apart - of course - from all the obvious drawbacks of non-existent equipment and the resulting non-existent sound quality and all that), and since blogger won't let me upload videos of late and since someone specifically requested to hear this today - here's modest, unpretentious me graciously obliging and giving you...tadaa...the latest version of "The Hands"!

Being there.

While the world as we knew it seems to be spectacularly going down outside, I, in the meantime, must admit have had one of the best weeks ever, and certainly the best of my teaching career.
After weeks and weeks of preparations that tipped our day-to-day routines into full-blown chaos, on Monday morning Gen Rosso finally came to our school with their huge musical project "Streetlight". And right from the start, effortlessly it seemed, they turned the chaos into an atmosphere buzzing with anticipation and creativity.
For three days our students danced and sweated, acted and sang, built and painted, rehearsed and trained, drummed and played, battled against their short attention spans, mood swings and lack of self-confidence and overcame their shyness and sore muscles.


Yesterday then was the big day of the big night of the big show. It's hard to describe the atmosphere that had the transformed gym humming with excitement all day during the final rehearsals.


I won't pretend that it wasn't also a fair bit exhausting to help coordinate everything and to try and settle down and answer the billions of questions of 400 bubbly, hyper pupils.


Then again, whenever I found a quiet moment I just found myself watching the kids and thinking what a huge, huge pity it is that the school system forces us into such rigid corsets that we hardly ever get a chance to see our pupils behave like this. To see them discover new talents and blossom under the appreciative looks of newly-found role models and friends, to watch them straighten up and broaden their shoulders with a new confidence and happiness they didn't know they possessed.


So, millions and millions of heartfelt thanks to everyone from Gen Rosso for sharing with us your boundless energy, your talent, your kindness, your optimism, your patience, for giving our pupils' faces a glow like this...


...and smiles like these...


...and for giving us teachers the opportunity to see "our" kids...


...in a new light!

The news tonight. And yesterday. And the day before...

Melon&Cauli.

Happy endings get me down.
Sad ones, too.
That's why I'm increasingly fond of undemanding, uncomplicated panel shows and quizzes.
No storyline, no emotions, ergo no identification or, worse, dissociation via unelegant, simple jealousy.

Or maybe I'm just totally shallow and can't be bothered.